Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.

I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.