Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.