My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.