My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.