I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.