I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.