My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.