Clinton masturbates in the sinks.

I'm sure there are people who consider themselves Democrats, maybe even liberals, who are good Christians, but if so I do not think they understand the tenants of those two organizations.

When contemplating a shield that would protect America for incoming missiles, Democrats suddenly became hardheaded fiscal conservatives. For the first time in recorded history, liberals were concerned about the cost and usefulness of a government program. These people believe federally funded art therapy for the homeless will pay for itself. That you can take to the bank. But a shield to repel incoming nuclear missiles from American soil they said, was too expensive and wouldn't work.

Although God believers don't need evolution to be false, atheists need evolution to be true.

As soon as the subject moves to TV shows and movies, I'm a total failure. And I'd been paying for all those premium channels for years, but recently cancelled them, since I never watched any of those networks.

If the press really thinks Obama is Lincoln, they ought to treat him like they treated Bush, 'cause that's how they treated Lincoln. His critics compared Lincoln to an ape; they called him an illiterate baboon.

[Alan] Dershowitz has also offered to defend Osama bin Laden in court, saying it would be an act of high patriotism. It's kind of too bad there isn't going to be a trial. Having Dershowitz defend him could be Osama's only shot at not being the least popular person in the courtroom.