The only subject fewer authentic Americans cared about than the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo was World Cup Soccer. America is an epic global battle with ruthless savages who seek our destruction, and liberals are feeling sorry for the terrorists.

There are a lot of bad republicans; there are no good democrats.

They spent the night in jail, where their progressive views on gay marriage served them well.

Right before The Civil War, only 8% of white people owned slaves. Some plantations would have hundreds and hundreds of slaves, but the vast majority of whites didn't have any.

I've decided to cut out the part of the speech where I say anything nice about Democrats.

Because of all our presidents, Barack Obama is the one most likely to be descended from a slave trader, since Kenya had a major slave-trading port, and the Muslims were heavily involved in the slave trade.

I never wanted to be famous and the only part I like is that it means people are reading my books and listening to me on TV and radio.