My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'