My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.