My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.