Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.