I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.