I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.