I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.

You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance.

Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?