In England, we have a curious institution called the Church of England. Its strength has always been in the fact that on any moral or political issue it can produce such a wide divergence of opinion that nobody -- from the Pope to Mao Tse-tung -- can say with any confidence that he is not an Anglican. Its weaknesses are that nobody pays much attention to it and very few people attend its functions.

An unemployed electrician,whom I had been taunting with my reminder of how much richer I was, leaned forward and said:'What are your qualifications? I know exactly what your qualifications are.You bent over in the shower to pick up some soap at Eton and Harrow, like all the rest of them.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible.

Looking back at all the people I have insulted, I am mildly surprised that I am still allowed to exist.

History, having destroyed the religion as the opium of the people, now requires that they be given a taste of the real stuff.

Generally speaking, the best people nowadays go into journalism, the second best into business, the rubbish into politics and the shits into law