Unless people are prepared to declare themselves your enemies you have to hunt around for them.

The two sides of industry have traditionally always regarded each other in Britain with the greatest possible loathing, mistrust and contempt. They are both absolutely right.

Looking back at all the people I have insulted, I am mildly surprised that I am still allowed to exist.

Anyone wishing to communicate with Americans should do so by e-mail, which has been specially invented for the purpose, involving neither physical proximity nor speech.

In their quest for power and self-importance, to compensate for whatever feelings of social inadequacy or sexual insecurity, they (Politicians)are prepared to perpetrate something which is hard to distinguish from mass murder if they think they can get away with it.

Generally speaking, the best people nowadays go into journalism, the second best into business, the rubbish into politics and the shits into law

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.