And of course, the answer came to me in the same way Jesus comes to those who drink in trailers: as an epiphany.

As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he'd promised her, making the father angry?

As a child, I was never drawn toward depraved or extreme situations; I really wanted a normal little childhood. Unfortunately, that's just not what happened.

Smoking had become my favorite thing in the world to do. It was like having instant comfort, no matter where or when.

I was like a packet of powdered Sea Monkeys and they were like water.

Maybe you feel pressure to be positive because so many people rely on your good, fake-positive energy? If that's the case, screw everybody else. You're not a bottle of Valium.

Love is a helium-based emotion; Love always takes the high road.