At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

Come cook food with me and do nothing.

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

I know when someone that's not you tries to tell your story, especially when you don't look like the person whose story you're trying to tell, you're going to screw it up. And the only way to get it right is to have them be as involved as possible.

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.