I'm the nicest goddamn dame that ever lived.

I have eyes like a bullfrog, a neck like an ostrich and long, limp hair. You just have to be good to survive with that equipment.

You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good . . . Joan Crawford is dead. Good.

You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.

If everybody likes you, you're pretty dull.

At 50, I thought proudly: Here we are, half century! Being 60 was fairly frightening. You want to know how I spent my 70th birthday? I put on a completely black face, a fuzzy black Afro wig, wore black clothes and hung a black wreath on my door.

I have been uncompromising, peppery, intractable, monomaniacal, tactless, volatile, and oftentimes disagreeable... I suppose I'm larger than life.