I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.

There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.

I can tell you why I like different countries. Ireland - some of the funniest heckles I've ever gotten. And the last time I did England I did Bristol, Manchester, and then London. The whole country is just amazing to drive through.

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.

Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though.

I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.