A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

I'm not the healthiest, but I am healthy. I'm healthy to the point where there are things that I have to eat that I don't want to eat, but I eat it because I'm enjoying staying alive.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

If you speak your mind and if it is true what you're saying, then I think the integrity of what you're saying carries through.

George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.