Bill Cosby Quotes

Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.

What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.

I don't wear no condom and I don't plan for no kids.

As a comedian, I can walk out in front of 5000 people and not worry about a thing. Not a thing, believe me. But to stand up a face a camera and crew of maybe 15 guys and get up tight about it - to me that's weird.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job...Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us.

When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing ... will win arguments and straighten people out.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

Grandparents are God's gifts to children.

When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.

Family is conflict and it's something that we all relate to.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying I love you. His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, We're going here, we're going there, he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

Zip zop wop boopity bop.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.

But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.

I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop.

If I use the word romance, whether it's my wife or not, it does not mean sex. We can use the word sex when sex is there.

On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.

Never say [to younger people] "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

I cannot understand how the education of this United States of America has been fooled time and time again. Either make it separate but equal or integrate, therefore it will be equal. And it has been separate and unequal.

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to disciplne a child is still a mystery to most fathers and...mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.

There are certain times of the day when you need a balance - that is, your protein and your carbs. I'm a Barry Sears man. I believe that anything green is a carb, and I need 2:1. Two of the carbs to one of the protein.

When I was a boy if a girl got pregnant the shame was placed on her and the boy could get away.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

I'm a Christian. But Muslims are misunderstood. Intentionally misunderstood. We should all be more like them.

A father has to do everything in his power to keep a tight ship, even though he knows the crew would like to send him away in a dinghy.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.

God has a sense of humor though and he must see funny things in us. He must also have some love. We're still here and there are still great things that go on. There are great doctors who discover how to separate twins and how to put together a human being to walk again after it's said he won't. Those are all there as signs.

Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.

Every father says the same thing: “Where's your mother?”

I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn't have to answer to innuendos.

In your 50s, time becomes precious and must not be wasted. Every minute is an excellent opportunity for a good nap. Happy 50th birthday!

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.

'Don't worry about senility', my grandfather used to say.