You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

You can't climb a tile wall.

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.