I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.