You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

You can't climb a tile wall.