As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.