And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?