And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'