And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.