And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.