I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.