I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?