I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."