Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.