Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?