Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.