I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!