The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.