The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.