He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men