To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.