To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.