The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.