The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.