I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.