Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'