Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.