Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'