Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.