My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."