To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.

Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?'

I kid Fox News, but they may be a little biased. We had an earthquake here on Monday, and they reported that 'the earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness.'

Meat is dirty. I wouldn't touch a hot dog without a condom on it

George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.