I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.

I'm against suing tobacco companies. I think abstinence is a perversion. I think Bush's lies are worse than Clinton's. I think Vegas was better when it was run by the mob. I think men are only as loyal as their options. I think stereotypes are true and rehab is for quitters.

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'

Why are we working so hard to preserve Iraq, a fake country to begin with? Why do we care whether this fake country that was drawn on the map 100 years ago remains?