Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her.

Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.

Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.

I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes.

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.