Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her.

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

To give you an idea how slowly we are leaving Afghanistan, Afghans don't refer to us anymore as 'infidel crusaders.' They refer to us as 'Irish relatives.'

Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.

If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He gets all his leverage from selling gas and oil. If we had a gas tax that made that less palatable, he would be less of a player on the world stage.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp!