First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron trifecta.'

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

This is America. We don't call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.

I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country.

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.