There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.

What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.