There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.

Sometimes I'm dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why...because I'm addicted.

You can't get saved if you don't play.

Look, I have never made a secret of the fact that I have tried marijuana... About 50,000 times.

In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.'

Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.