It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies.

You can behead people, you can crucify them, you can cut their hearts out and eat them on YouTube...but, don't screw with the place where God hid America's oil.

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?

I just don't think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing - Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.