Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who’s trying to kill u – u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her.

If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they're crazy.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and HE changed colors.