I never hear terrorists say 'Merry Christmas,' only 'Allahu Akbar'.

Because of the Republicans, I'm not ashamed of being an American. I'm embarrassed!

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'?

In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.

When we make mistakes they call it evil

Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to screw with it anyway.