You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts.

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.

You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can't do in a lot of other countries.

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder."

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!