Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.

Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!

The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy.

Gingrich is the "foremost intellectual" in the Republican party like Gene Simmons is the foremost intellectual in "Kiss".

The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.

The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach.

I don't think George Bush is a good president by any imagination, but when he said, 'If you're talking to Al-Quaeda, we want to know what it's about,' it just proves one thing: If you're president long enough, you will one day say something that is true.