Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota.

Disneyland's a mess. And it's not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.

What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour?

Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.

Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.