People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman.

Republicans look to find the future and they find radio.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he's still losing in the money race!

Why is Mitt Romney not bragging: 'I covered all these people'? Why can't the Democrats sell the idea, we're trying to make you well? Is that such a hard sale?