People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.

It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

I'm more likely to not invite someone back for not talking. If someone talks a lot, I can usually shut them up and control them. But with people who don't talk, if they don't really want to talk, they probably shouldn't be on this show, and that's fine. They're talented people with things to say, but sometimes people say what they have to say through other means than arguing.

The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.