There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

I kid Fox News, but they may be a little biased. We had an earthquake here on Monday, and they reported that 'the earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness.'

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts.

It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.