I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy.

The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?

Reverend Ted Haggard's followers still think he's not gay. I'm not kidding. In their world, there are no gay people. There are just straight people who are sinning. They don't want to do it, but the Devil makes them! He targets people like Reverend Ted. That's how it happened. The Devil got hold of Reverend Ted, and Ted said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan! And put it in, gently'.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!!

The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining.